Bring it.

So the last puzzle was not tough enough for you Maggie?  Bring it...

To recover from the vacation (David, Melissa, Maggie, Tim, Ami, Susan, Kelli, James, Emily, Ruby, and Olive) everyone got together to play a game and have a treat.  Unfortunately, no one wanted the same game or the same treat.

1.  Rootbeer floats seemed like more of a treat than kool-aid to all of the adults.
 The 5 games with zombies (Halo, Call of Duty, Plants Vs. Zombies, Little Big Planet, and Left for Dead) were vetoed by a female returned missionary.
The individuals who wanted to play monopoly and risk both came from the James Hoffman family.
One of the female’s tastebuds requested the See’s fruit and nut variety pack.
All of the David Hoffman children wanted cookies.
Olive and James wanted liquid desserts.
Everyone liked Ami’s idea of Macadamia nut cookies but disliked the idea of a game that would cause us to sweat.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies did not like the suggestion of Guesstures or Twister.
One of the 2 video games involving plumbers matched with the Snickers bar.
The tootsie roll recommendation also wanted to pass go.
Killing Zombies caused one person to hunger for Oatmeal Raisin Cookies.
 The video game including Sack-boy matched with the snickerdoodles.
 Susanna and all of the females between the ages of 8 and 29 wanted to play video games. 
 David, Susanna, and Emily had desserts with real fruit.
The individual who wanted to play Punch Out did not want to eat the Heath cookies or the Snicker bars.
 All the men wanted to play video games.
Unlike the individual who wanted a Tootsie Roll, the individual who wanted Carmeled Apples suggested a video game.
The individual who wanted Snickerdoodles couldn’t stop laughing at her younger brother.
The RootBeer float suggestion didn’t match any suggestions involving boxing, plants, or aliens.
The Heath cookie request accompanied the Guesstures request.
The male who recommended Super Mario Brothers wanted Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Round two...

The Hoffman Family and Kelli went to the annual cheese tasting competition in Wisconsin.  Everyone tried one cheese and a food.  No one tried the same cheese or food.  Match everyone with their food and their cheese.

None of the men ate vegetables.
A red fruit matched the blue cheese.
Only two females ate aged cheeses.
The youngest two both ate potato varieties.
The individual who ate the Smoked Gouda did not eat the broccoli or strawberries.
The individual who ate the corn did not have any aged or smoked cheeses.
The Aged Gorgonzola and the Aged Gruyere were eaten with a fruit and a vegetable.
The red potato matched the flavored cheese.
The grapes and the tomato matched with the smoked cheeses.
The sweet potato did not match the Aged Cheddar
 The Dill Havarti was Mom’s first choice, her darkest haired daughter snatched it from her.
 Parmesan and Aged Gruyere both matched vegetables, but only one was eaten by a child.
 Maggie’s fruit was the seedless variety.
 Smoked Mozzarella was eaten by an adult.
 Ami said that Kelli’s green and gold food matched.

Clear Mumbles

Susanna has not been our clearest talker.  In fact, very few people can understand much of what she speaks.

Everyone once in a while she comes up with some very clear comments. Most of the time, it relates to electronics:

Holding Amirrah's laptop (provided by her school), she pointed and said, "please", I told her, "That is not yours," to which she clearly and difinitively responded, "Yes, it is."

When people leave the house (family or not) she will say, "Bye-bye, love you too," very clearly.  

Other times require Dad to translate.  (Which is still odd because when he does, she will stop asking, and wait until what he stated is done.)

By Popular Demand

Maggie likes homemade logic puzzles, but she wanted David to write her a tougher one.

Are you smarter than a 4th grader?  Beat 21 minutes.

The Hoffman Family (David, Melissa, Maggie, Tim, Ami, and Susanne) and Kelli went to the annual cheese tasting competition in Wisconsin.  Everyone tried one cheese and one food.  No one tried the same cheese or food.  Match everyone with their food and their cheese.

1. None of the men ate vegetables.
2. A red fruit matched the blue cheese.
3. Only two females ate aged cheeses.
4. The youngest two both ate potato varieties.
5. The individual who ate the Smoked Gouda did not eat the broccoli or strawberries.
6. The individual who ate the corn did not have any aged or smoked cheeses.
7. The Aged Gorgonzola and the Aged Gruyere were eaten with a fruit and a vegetable. 
8. The red potato matched the flavored cheese.
9. The grapes and the tomato matched with the smoked cheeses.
10. The sweet potato did not match the Aged Cheddar
11. The Dill Havarti was Mom’s first choice, her darkest haired daughter snatched it from her.
12. Parmesan and Aged Gruyere both matched vegetables, but only one was eaten by a child. 
13. Maggie’s fruit was the seedless variety.
14. Smoked Mozzarella was eaten by an adult.
15. Ami said that Kelli’s green and gold food matched.

Scout camp

What am I describing...

What does this sound like?

1. Eating out at restaurants.
2. Travel.
3. Visiting relatives.
4. Watching a fire in the evening.
5. Spending time as a family.
6. Going to or watching movies.
7. Lots of packing and unpacking.
8. Stress.


If you said vacation, you just failed.  The preceding was a test of the emergency broadcast system.  beeeeeeeeppppppppp.


So on Thursday, Lake Mountain caught on fire.  With impressive winds and dry conditions, the fire would grow to over 6000 acres, including the hills within a mile of our home.  We were given an hour to evacuate (more than some who unfortunately had five minutes). 


The steps of our evacuation were this:














1. Maggie panics that the house will burn down.  David hopes the house will burn down so it can get rebuilt right (never buy a Centex home).  Tim and Ami find this exciting.  A friend took this picture.



2. Grab the 72 hour kits, journals, scriptures, photos, hard drives.  Realize that took 7 minutes.  Send the children after the important things: the blue-rays, rare books, and video games.  Melissa grabs the camping gear.  David considers if it would be inappropriate to pray that the fire raze the neighborhood.  Still more time?  Grab the bo-staff and weapons for practice. 


3. Neighbors offer to help load the car and truck.  Guess we should get going.  Thanks friends.


4. Brother Josh offered a break from the smoke.  We head for their pad. Children realize it is like a vacation.


5. Invade space of Brother Josh, feel intrusive in spite of their absolute kindness and hospitality.  Daydream that home burns down so we can use insurance displacement cash to buy a 5th wheel and get new wardrobes.  


6. Psychotic barrage of text messages and Facebook posts begin (ends two days later).  Realize unlimited texting was a must. 


7. Head out to lunch and to watch the movie Brave (jaw dropping graphics, formulaic story, fluffy hair, kilts). Critics were a bit too harsh on it.  



8. Smoke from fire invades entire valley.  Go to bed.

9. Wake up.  Family bo-staff practice.  Amirrah forgets rules 
about not "playing" with a weapon and goes down the slide with it in front of her.  Smacks head, monster goose-egg.  "You'll poke your eye out."  Kids do dress-up with costumes.

10.  More eating out.  Trip to the aquarium, Deseret Industries, & Petsmart. (Why are those little crappers so cute behind bars?)
















11. More eating out. Hear that homes probably will have major smoke damage (yet to be assessed). 


12. Read.  Hang with family.  Water fights.  Susanna claims the water bazooka.  While dressed up in 1970's disco jacket and Daniel Boone hat demonstrating her father's keen fashion sense.  (They say jeans go with everything!)


 
















13. Children behave themselves, knowing that they might get to stay up until 10:30 again.


14.  They do.  Parents crashing.


15.  Day three: Everyone crashing.  Evac over, children psychotic.  Mom tired.  Dad trying to do Church calling from 15 miles away.  Return home.


16.  Children call it a fun "vacation".  


Maybe you were not wrong after all, best worst-caused vacation ever?

Independent

For father's day, Tim decided to make me a gift without consulting Melissa.  

I received a coupon book I could redeem "any day but Sunday."

Here are some of the coupons included in this prized gift:

One free movie at the theater with just you and me, like Batman, or Avengers again.

One free dad-son date anytime, like to go bowling.

One free trip to somewhere like an arcade.

One free trip out to Olive Garden without Maggie, Ami, and Susanna.

One free backrub.

One free trip to a cool place like Real Salt Lake for a Real Salt Lake soccer game.

One free camping trip without any girls.  

I sensed a pattern.  When Melissa pulled herself off the ground she pointed out the awesomeness of how those things were all "free" to Tim.

Priorities

I was showing Tim how to approach a level in the game "Plants vs. Zombie" this morning, when Susanna walked in with the sunblock.  She popped the lid and squeezed, shooting lotion all over her arms.  I dropped the kindle exclaiming, "Tim!  Help! Susanna got the sunblock."

I dove for her before she could start spreading it all over the carpet, expecting Tim to go for the bottle.  A couple seconds later, I looked at the bottle, on the ground leaking, and asked, "Tim, didn't you hear me ask for some help with Susanna?"

"I know Dad," he exclaimed, "I'm doing my best."

I turned around to find him playing the level for me with all the intensity he could muster.

Priorities.

The Ambassador of Smooth

So a friend of mine took me to a new store in our local mall: "The Art of Shaving".  He went to their store a few years ago in Vegas, it changed his life.  Strangely, it changed mine.  I learned how to shave 17 years late.

I always shaved by washing my face, applying some shaving cream or edge gel, and then ending with a spritz of cologne or cold water.  This continually resulted in shaving rash on the neck, the occasional ingrown hair, and the regular tugs and pulls.  




At the store, I learned that a proper and comfortable shave involved four steps.  First, a coat of essential oil to provide protection to the skin.  The store sold lemon, sandalwood, lavender and a few others.  (How cool is it that Melissa started making her own essential oils this week - hello major savings!).  Second, shaving cream (which can also be made with coconut oil and glycerin) need to be applied with a brush to exfoliate the skin and raise the whiskers off of the face.  Third, shave with the grain, then reapply cream, then against the grain.  Finally, apply a non-alcoholic balm to heal the skin.

The difference is amazing.  Two weeks ago I would have thought that neck rash was part of being a man.  I now know there is an art to shaving.

I highly recommend this practice.  For some of you, I imagine this is old news and you may be shaking your head in disbelief at my ignorance, but if not, try this link:  Shave like a man.

Just in time for Father's day!