Yesterday Tim saw an individual with a prosthetic leg.
"What's that on his leg Dad?
"It is a substitute leg, because his real leg was injured."
"What happened to his leg Dad?"
"I think he lost it in a battle during a war."
"Oh...
... So - he's a pirate - right?"
"Nope, he's just a viking, he still needs a parrot and a ship."
"Oh."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Redemption!
For over eight years of marriage Melissa has endured various facial expressions, from puckers, to plugged noses, from eyes-shut-tight in horror to over-active gag reflexes, from subtle comments to not so subtle group-chucking-on-the-table at some of her experiments and efforts to follow recipes in the kitchen. (Those of you who have followed the blog know of the infamous comments “Wow, this tastes good! Dad, did you make it” and other similar slams about those rare exceptions.)
The scoffers can now eat their words!
On Friday, our neighborhood had a “Chili, Soup, and Bread Cook-off”. Melissa submitted a chili, a rye bread, and a soup.
We won’t mention that her chili took last place and the judges referred to it as “Gerber Chili” and “An atrocity at the table”...
Her bread would have been in the top two, but was disqualified from competition because David was one of the three bread judges.
And her soup...
looked like yellow-liquid poo. Only those forced to be judges tried it...
until it took first place in the soup competition.
Then it disappeared within two minutes.
This was the fourth attempt at making a sweet potato-type soup. When David saw that Melissa brought another attempt, he groaned and made some side comment about wasting perfectly good sweet potatoes.
He got to eat those words. Literally. One of the tasters referred to the soup saying, “It tastes like a sweet pumpkin pie right out of the oven, sitting by a warm fire between autumn and winter at home with no responsibilities or cares in the world.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the fact that a few ingredients were missing from the cupboards lent to the winning of the following recipe. Let’s see if you can guess what ingredients were replacements for what item. Feel free to put your guesses in the comments section. Enjoy!
2 Tbsp flour
2 Tbsp butter
1 1/2 Cups chicken broth
1 1/2 Cups water
1 Celestial Seasonings Gingerbread Herbal packet (steep in the 1 1/2 Cup water listed above for 5 minutes)
2 Tbsp brown sugar
3 Cups cooked sweet potatoes
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
2 Cup milk
salt to taste
Perhaps we should add "food coloring to disguise" next to "salt to taste".
The scoffers can now eat their words!
On Friday, our neighborhood had a “Chili, Soup, and Bread Cook-off”. Melissa submitted a chili, a rye bread, and a soup.
We won’t mention that her chili took last place and the judges referred to it as “Gerber Chili” and “An atrocity at the table”...
Her bread would have been in the top two, but was disqualified from competition because David was one of the three bread judges.
And her soup...
looked like yellow-liquid poo. Only those forced to be judges tried it...
until it took first place in the soup competition.
Then it disappeared within two minutes.
This was the fourth attempt at making a sweet potato-type soup. When David saw that Melissa brought another attempt, he groaned and made some side comment about wasting perfectly good sweet potatoes.
He got to eat those words. Literally. One of the tasters referred to the soup saying, “It tastes like a sweet pumpkin pie right out of the oven, sitting by a warm fire between autumn and winter at home with no responsibilities or cares in the world.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the fact that a few ingredients were missing from the cupboards lent to the winning of the following recipe. Let’s see if you can guess what ingredients were replacements for what item. Feel free to put your guesses in the comments section. Enjoy!
2 Tbsp flour
2 Tbsp butter
1 1/2 Cups chicken broth
1 1/2 Cups water
1 Celestial Seasonings Gingerbread Herbal packet (steep in the 1 1/2 Cup water listed above for 5 minutes)
2 Tbsp brown sugar
3 Cups cooked sweet potatoes
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
2 Cup milk
salt to taste
Perhaps we should add "food coloring to disguise" next to "salt to taste".
Random Acts Of Violence
We have been trying to get Tim to stop being so violent.
Often you can hear me saying something like, “Tim! No violence with Susanna!” or “Stop the violence and play something different.”
David just put his hands in his face when I told him the question Tim asked me this morning:
“Mom, what is ‘violence’? I don’t know what that means.”
I felt violent.
I swear, this kid will be the end of me.
Often you can hear me saying something like, “Tim! No violence with Susanna!” or “Stop the violence and play something different.”
David just put his hands in his face when I told him the question Tim asked me this morning:
“Mom, what is ‘violence’? I don’t know what that means.”
I felt violent.
I swear, this kid will be the end of me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
What's The Secret Password?
This week Tim received a password for using the school’s computers. (He’s never had one for the home computers, so the concept never crossed his mind.) This discovery opened a whole new world of possibilities.
Not wanting Ami to get on his bed, he put a password on his bed. He then informed Ami that:
“If you pass the ladder and try to get on my bed while I am gone, sharp dagger-rocks will fall through your head and chop it to pieces, and that will hurt you bad.”
To which she responded, “Why?”
“Because my bed has a password.”
Ami left the room and did not return for the rest of the day (a first).
Upon hearing about this event later, Maggie joined in, “My bed has a secret password, and you will never guess what it is. Ever.”
Not to be outdone, Tim responded, “Well no one in the Universe could guess my password, not even a spy.”
Ami - realizing that now the only non-password-protected beds in the home were hers, Susanna’s, and ours - decided to add a password to her bed.
This brought about a significant moment of pause, as Tim and Maggie realized that they could not maintain the double standard of messing up Ami’s bed with books and forts anymore, decided to convince her not to have a bed password by removing theirs. The reverse psychology did not work.
“I took the password off my bed,” Maggie emphasized.
“I took the password off my bed,” mimicked Tim
“I have a password on my bed!” Ami said with glee.
Maggie and Tim stood confounded, knowing in principle that if Ami had a password on her bed, the most mind-boggling horrific things would occur if they got on.
“And my password is ‘Charley and the Chocolate Factory’, because Charley had a Chocolate factory is a movie with Charley.”
Maggie and Tim sighed as their universe righted itself, stated the password, and proceeded to mess up Ami’s bed as usual.
Then David put a password on our bed, and I know it.
Not wanting Ami to get on his bed, he put a password on his bed. He then informed Ami that:
“If you pass the ladder and try to get on my bed while I am gone, sharp dagger-rocks will fall through your head and chop it to pieces, and that will hurt you bad.”
To which she responded, “Why?”
“Because my bed has a password.”
Ami left the room and did not return for the rest of the day (a first).
Upon hearing about this event later, Maggie joined in, “My bed has a secret password, and you will never guess what it is. Ever.”
Not to be outdone, Tim responded, “Well no one in the Universe could guess my password, not even a spy.”
Ami - realizing that now the only non-password-protected beds in the home were hers, Susanna’s, and ours - decided to add a password to her bed.
This brought about a significant moment of pause, as Tim and Maggie realized that they could not maintain the double standard of messing up Ami’s bed with books and forts anymore, decided to convince her not to have a bed password by removing theirs. The reverse psychology did not work.
“I took the password off my bed,” Maggie emphasized.
“I took the password off my bed,” mimicked Tim
“I have a password on my bed!” Ami said with glee.
Maggie and Tim stood confounded, knowing in principle that if Ami had a password on her bed, the most mind-boggling horrific things would occur if they got on.
“And my password is ‘Charley and the Chocolate Factory’, because Charley had a Chocolate factory is a movie with Charley.”
Maggie and Tim sighed as their universe righted itself, stated the password, and proceeded to mess up Ami’s bed as usual.
Then David put a password on our bed, and I know it.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Mom will laugh if you poke your eye out.
Mom laughs at things that should not be funny.
Family Home Evening time:
Ami was standing around in a post-nap-zombie-near-sleep-medicated state. Tim was wandering around with a kaleidoscope at his eye.
If you don't know where this is going, you have not spent time around children.
In slow motion, Tim ran into the back of Ami's head. Tears flowed. Mom nearly lost it laughing.
General Conference time:
Melissa grabbed David's kneecap (his legs were extended) and wiggled it around. At which time he panicked. Apparently 31 years in his body, and he never figured out kneecaps can move. She laughed as he worked not to be nauseous. Since when is a bone not solidly attached to something?
Evening time:
Maggie put a pirate patch on Susanna. This was not pleasing to the little one, so she attempted to pull it off, only to snap it right back in her eye. She yelled at it while Mom laughed.
Interestingly, two minutes later, Mom ask where the red spot next to the eye came from, not realizing it came from the patch.
Family Home Evening time:
Ami was standing around in a post-nap-zombie-near-sleep-medicated state. Tim was wandering around with a kaleidoscope at his eye.
If you don't know where this is going, you have not spent time around children.
In slow motion, Tim ran into the back of Ami's head. Tears flowed. Mom nearly lost it laughing.
General Conference time:
Melissa grabbed David's kneecap (his legs were extended) and wiggled it around. At which time he panicked. Apparently 31 years in his body, and he never figured out kneecaps can move. She laughed as he worked not to be nauseous. Since when is a bone not solidly attached to something?
Evening time:
Maggie put a pirate patch on Susanna. This was not pleasing to the little one, so she attempted to pull it off, only to snap it right back in her eye. She yelled at it while Mom laughed.
Interestingly, two minutes later, Mom ask where the red spot next to the eye came from, not realizing it came from the patch.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Where's Lisa
All I need for this post is the quotation,
"Is it sad that when I come over, I hide behind Ami's bed and read the childrens' books; I love the Disney Princess Books?" stated Lisa. "You're putting that on your blog? ... I don't think people will get the humor, I doubt your friends know that is coming from an 18 year old college student."
"Is it sad that when I come over, I hide behind Ami's bed and read the childrens' books; I love the Disney Princess Books?" stated Lisa. "You're putting that on your blog? ... I don't think people will get the humor, I doubt your friends know that is coming from an 18 year old college student."
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Finer Things
A week ago, a friend of ours told David about a grocery store to end all Utah grocery stores, with all sorts of imported European and high end domestic goodies.
And a cheese bar.
You all need to go the the Harmons at the south end of Bangerter Highway. It. Is. Awesome.
If you tell David about a cheese bar, he'll want to go get some cheese.
But first he will get prepared, so he will get two different types of grapes, five loaves of crusty sourdough, and fresh apples.
Then he will take us to the store.
When he sees all of the cheese, he will forget we follow a food budget.
He will sniff and search until he realizes they have a full-time Cheese Monger.
When he finds out they have a full-time Cheese Monger, he will excuse his family to go do the rest of the grocery shopping and talk cheese for an hour and fifteen minutes.
And while he explores the cheese, his youngest daughter will have a blowout that soaks through a diaper and four layers of clothing... yep, she was only wearing two of those.
They have an actual certified cheese monger?!?! And over 120 different types of cheeses!?! And you can try as many as you would like?!?!
When he has narrowed down his cheese selections to five, he will buy them all.
And then he will notice they have an olive bar. So he will try the olives, and buy a few buttery Italian Greens to go with the sourdough.
His wife will come back, poop-stained and all, which will remind him he saw a chocolate bar nearby. Feeling bad for her, he will ask the chocolatier about the different brands and find out that Harmons sells 2 of the top ten ranked chocolates in the nation (including the #3 in the world), so he will buy her some to match her shirts.
The island of Madagascar is home to the Trinitario and Criollo varieties of cocoa bean, and local producers excel in the art of the bean fermentation. Tanariva reveals a balance of acidulated flavors, softened by the pronounced milky caramel notes. - From the box.
And since the chocolates are next to an olive oil brand he loves, he will get the look that reminds him we are on a food budget.
But if you really want the best olive oil for sourdough, get the orange flavored Sciabica's, it is heavenly.
Harmons, my husband loves you, but you can only have his tastebuds...
If he buys all these things, he will realize he is going to need to get his wife some new knives for her birthday, and since he doesn't like buying things more than once, he'll get her the Henckles Professional set, because she watches the Food Network and that is what they are always using, plus a lifetime warranty and free sharpening doesn't hurt.
And since he is a price Nazi, he'll get the manager and talk them down 350 bucks on the price. Sweet! Too bad I don't get to open these on my birthday, hehe.
This evening I learned why David loves some of these finer things in life, we waited to have our dinner until the kids were in bed. He showed me how to mix the bread and the olives, the cheese and the grapes, and we savored a nibble of the chocolate.
I don't like olives. Let me clarify, don't like cheap olives.
That was a good date night.
It is so nice to use real knives.
Multiple new fun mind-expanding and tastebud-opening experiences.
Another one of the many great things about my marriage to him is how he regularly shows me there are many things to be enjoyed which are part of this life, like inspiring books, great food, and excellent music.
No. You can't use my knives. I will not be responsible for you slicing your finger to the bone with their awesomeness. :-)
And a cheese bar.
You all need to go the the Harmons at the south end of Bangerter Highway. It. Is. Awesome.
If you tell David about a cheese bar, he'll want to go get some cheese.
But first he will get prepared, so he will get two different types of grapes, five loaves of crusty sourdough, and fresh apples.
Then he will take us to the store.
When he sees all of the cheese, he will forget we follow a food budget.
He will sniff and search until he realizes they have a full-time Cheese Monger.
When he finds out they have a full-time Cheese Monger, he will excuse his family to go do the rest of the grocery shopping and talk cheese for an hour and fifteen minutes.
And while he explores the cheese, his youngest daughter will have a blowout that soaks through a diaper and four layers of clothing... yep, she was only wearing two of those.
They have an actual certified cheese monger?!?! And over 120 different types of cheeses!?! And you can try as many as you would like?!?!
When he has narrowed down his cheese selections to five, he will buy them all.
And then he will notice they have an olive bar. So he will try the olives, and buy a few buttery Italian Greens to go with the sourdough.
His wife will come back, poop-stained and all, which will remind him he saw a chocolate bar nearby. Feeling bad for her, he will ask the chocolatier about the different brands and find out that Harmons sells 2 of the top ten ranked chocolates in the nation (including the #3 in the world), so he will buy her some to match her shirts.
The island of Madagascar is home to the Trinitario and Criollo varieties of cocoa bean, and local producers excel in the art of the bean fermentation. Tanariva reveals a balance of acidulated flavors, softened by the pronounced milky caramel notes. - From the box.
And since the chocolates are next to an olive oil brand he loves, he will get the look that reminds him we are on a food budget.
But if you really want the best olive oil for sourdough, get the orange flavored Sciabica's, it is heavenly.
Harmons, my husband loves you, but you can only have his tastebuds...
If he buys all these things, he will realize he is going to need to get his wife some new knives for her birthday, and since he doesn't like buying things more than once, he'll get her the Henckles Professional set, because she watches the Food Network and that is what they are always using, plus a lifetime warranty and free sharpening doesn't hurt.
And since he is a price Nazi, he'll get the manager and talk them down 350 bucks on the price. Sweet! Too bad I don't get to open these on my birthday, hehe.
This evening I learned why David loves some of these finer things in life, we waited to have our dinner until the kids were in bed. He showed me how to mix the bread and the olives, the cheese and the grapes, and we savored a nibble of the chocolate.
I don't like olives. Let me clarify, don't like cheap olives.
That was a good date night.
It is so nice to use real knives.
Multiple new fun mind-expanding and tastebud-opening experiences.
Another one of the many great things about my marriage to him is how he regularly shows me there are many things to be enjoyed which are part of this life, like inspiring books, great food, and excellent music.
No. You can't use my knives. I will not be responsible for you slicing your finger to the bone with their awesomeness. :-)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Three. Hun. Dread.
In honor of our 300th post, we decided to share some of top threes!
Top 3 things we coulda shoulda woulda posted but chose not to:
3- Where we buried the body
2- Ami's base jumping broken arm
1- Why clowns are evil incarnate
Our top 3 quotes from our blog
3- The first comment Maggie made was: "Look! It has the umbrella -ka cord! That means the baby popped out!"
2-I think Discovery Channel's shark week left an impression on Maggie. Yesterday she prayed over the food, adding a plea to "make sure our house does not flood, and no sharks or bears attack us."
1- "BASED ON A TRUE STORY!" (April 2, 2009)
Top 3 things we wish our friends knew more about
3- Goodreads.com (use our junk email address davidandmelissahoffman@yahoo.com to find us)
2- The Church's stance on lesser issues like non-medical altering our bodies (i.e. plastic surgery or vasectomies)
1- Bountiful baskets
Top 3 things we learned about parenting
3- The children are going to do things wrong
2- We are going to do things wrong trying to help them stop doing things wrong
1- God has a sense of humor
Top 3 recipes our family made up
3 - Maggie
Mix 1 part applesauce with 1 part yogurt and add your favorite fruits
2- Ami
Take corn muffins, cover them in syrup, dip them in a smoothie repeatedly, eat with hand instead of spoon
1- David
Saute 5 ounces of mushrooms with 1/2 cube of butter and a 1/2 TBSP of pepper on low heat. Pour liquid off into a large skillet. Add about a 2/3 cup of olive oil and four cloves of freshly minced garlic, 1/4th of a minced bell pepper, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp of both garden-fresh parsley and Japanese basil, three pealed tomatoes (cored and diced), simmer 10 minutes. Add freshly diced peaches and pears, simmer 10 more minutes, serve over your favorite pasta. Serve the peppered mushrooms on the side... And I wonder why the kids like his cooking more?
Top 3 things we like with fine cheese (not the cheap crap but the good European stuff)
3- Berries with creamy cheeses like Havarti or Brie
2- Caramelized nuts with blue and goat cheeses
1- Grapes with aged cheeses like Swiss or Parmesan
Top 3 things we like about living in Utah
3- Dreams of the ocean and sailing are all the more sweet and fleeting
2- Almost anywhere you go for vacation is amazing, because it would be hard to go to a place where our allergies could get worse
1- There's always work for those in the road construction profession because the government won't pay for roads to be done right the first time. My children wonder how we stay on the road when we are not driving between orange cones
Top 3 things we really like about living in Utah
3- Cops harass you for NOT carrying a concealed weapon (true story)
2- Deseret Industries book selection
1- BYU
Top 3 posts from our blog
3- February 2008 "Daddy-daughter Date"
2- October 2008 "Failure apparently is an option"
1- Tie for the singers: June 2009 "Sing - a - Long" & "Mingling" March 2010
Top 3 favorite foods:
3- Homemade Bread
2- Baked desserts
1- Cheese
Top 3 things we've learned about blogging:
3- The right song or picture makes all the difference
2- It is more fun to share the stories in person, and unless it is funny, no one of substance cares about every little thing you are doing right now.
1- Friends read your blog because they care. Others read for their own entertainment. One possible way to tell the difference is to watch who leaves comments (we always review them and those who respectfully request that do not want their comments posted are always left off!)
Top 3 things we coulda shoulda woulda posted but chose not to:
3- Where we buried the body
2- Ami's base jumping broken arm
1- Why clowns are evil incarnate
Our top 3 quotes from our blog
3- The first comment Maggie made was: "Look! It has the umbrella -ka cord! That means the baby popped out!"
2-I think Discovery Channel's shark week left an impression on Maggie. Yesterday she prayed over the food, adding a plea to "make sure our house does not flood, and no sharks or bears attack us."
1- "BASED ON A TRUE STORY!" (April 2, 2009)
Top 3 things we wish our friends knew more about
3- Goodreads.com (use our junk email address davidandmelissahoffman@yahoo.com to find us)
2- The Church's stance on lesser issues like non-medical altering our bodies (i.e. plastic surgery or vasectomies)
1- Bountiful baskets
Top 3 things we learned about parenting
3- The children are going to do things wrong
2- We are going to do things wrong trying to help them stop doing things wrong
1- God has a sense of humor
Top 3 recipes our family made up
3 - Maggie
Mix 1 part applesauce with 1 part yogurt and add your favorite fruits
2- Ami
Take corn muffins, cover them in syrup, dip them in a smoothie repeatedly, eat with hand instead of spoon
1- David
Saute 5 ounces of mushrooms with 1/2 cube of butter and a 1/2 TBSP of pepper on low heat. Pour liquid off into a large skillet. Add about a 2/3 cup of olive oil and four cloves of freshly minced garlic, 1/4th of a minced bell pepper, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp of both garden-fresh parsley and Japanese basil, three pealed tomatoes (cored and diced), simmer 10 minutes. Add freshly diced peaches and pears, simmer 10 more minutes, serve over your favorite pasta. Serve the peppered mushrooms on the side... And I wonder why the kids like his cooking more?
Top 3 things we like with fine cheese (not the cheap crap but the good European stuff)
3- Berries with creamy cheeses like Havarti or Brie
2- Caramelized nuts with blue and goat cheeses
1- Grapes with aged cheeses like Swiss or Parmesan
Top 3 things we like about living in Utah
3- Dreams of the ocean and sailing are all the more sweet and fleeting
2- Almost anywhere you go for vacation is amazing, because it would be hard to go to a place where our allergies could get worse
1- There's always work for those in the road construction profession because the government won't pay for roads to be done right the first time. My children wonder how we stay on the road when we are not driving between orange cones
Top 3 things we really like about living in Utah
3- Cops harass you for NOT carrying a concealed weapon (true story)
2- Deseret Industries book selection
1- BYU
Top 3 posts from our blog
3- February 2008 "Daddy-daughter Date"
2- October 2008 "Failure apparently is an option"
1- Tie for the singers: June 2009 "Sing - a - Long" & "Mingling" March 2010
Top 3 favorite foods:
3- Homemade Bread
2- Baked desserts
1- Cheese
Top 3 things we've learned about blogging:
3- The right song or picture makes all the difference
2- It is more fun to share the stories in person, and unless it is funny, no one of substance cares about every little thing you are doing right now.
1- Friends read your blog because they care. Others read for their own entertainment. One possible way to tell the difference is to watch who leaves comments (we always review them and those who respectfully request that do not want their comments posted are always left off!)